Verbally Abusive Relationships

It starts off as an off-hand comment every now and then. Your husband or wife claims that they’re just joking or that you’re being way too sensitive.  You ignore it, but then the comments increase in frequency or they become less “funny” and more demeaning. The next thing you know, you’re being constantly humiliated and insulted by your spouse. You’re being yelled at, criticized, and overall made to feel as if you are nothing and deserve nothing. 

Frankly, verbally abusive relationships are an unfortunate reality for many couples. You may not know what to do or who to tell.  After all, there are countless resources out there for individuals who are being physically abused, but verbally abusive relationships are rarely ever recognized, unless it is precursor to physical violence. So what should you do if you find yourself in this type of relationship?  Consider the following suggestions.

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What Not to Do…

1- Assume Your Partner Will Change

The person your partner is today is more than likely the person he or she will be tomorrow.  Contrary to popular belief you can’t “wait out” a personality change.  When someone is verbally abusing you, it normally reflects a flaw or insecurity in their own character. Normally that flaw cannot be erased even with countless sessions with a psychiatrist. Our basic character is who we are no matter what.  So instead of waiting for your partner to change, you may have to consider changing your partner.

2-Attempt to Rationalize Their Behavior

Perhaps your wife has a super stressful job, but that doesn’t mean she has a right to raise her voice at you or call you names whenever she feels stressed or angry. Perhaps you picked your husband up late from work, but that doesn’t mean he has a right to call you stupid or lazy.  No one has a right to treat you badly, so in turn, do not attempt to rationalize their behavior or being in a verbally abusive relationship.

3-Internalize What He/She Says About You

You aren’t stupid, unattractive, disgusting, unloveable, or anything else that your partner has told you. Whatever you do, try not to let your partner’s insults start to penetrate your psyche and control your view of yourself. Again, the flaw isn’t yours, but your spouse’s. 

What to Do…

1-Be Up Front With Your Partner About How You Feel

Before anything else, tell your partner how you feel about his/her comments.  Tell them that you feel their comments are abusive and that they’re hurtful. It’s doubtful that they’re behavior will change, but sharing your feelings will at least make you feel better, instead of suffering in silence stuck feeling helpless in a verbally abusive relationship.

2-Decide If Your Relationship is Worth Maintaining

It is common knowledge that verbal abuse can be more damaging than physical abuse.  Everyone is different in terms of how much verbal abuse they are willing and able to take. The decision is whether or not you want to lead a lifestyle in which you’re constantly being demeaned and made to feel that you’re walking on eggshells when it comes to your personal life. Think to yourself: Is this verbally abusive relationship worth sacrificing my personal pride?

3-Seek Help If You’re Considering Leaving

Talk to friends and family who will be supportive and will help you if you were to leave your spouse.  Remember leaving someone can be a source of contention and in some situations even dangerous.  Seek out people that you can trust and definitely refer to domestic violence organizations for additional help for a verbally abusive relationship.

Good luck and remember: You’re not the problem.

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